


Just so you know

by anorienparker



Category: Firefly
Genre: Angst, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-10
Updated: 2011-09-10
Packaged: 2017-10-23 14:32:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/251378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anorienparker/pseuds/anorienparker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He didn’t fit in, not in this world, and he could never go back to his own, to his family, to his <i>life</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just so you know

It was all just too much.

The running, the hiding, the fear, the neverending stupid, horrible, gorram darkness. The knowledge. The nightmares. The images of River’s brain, cut, prodded, the pain, the tears, the screams. The looks from everyone, looks that to him anyway, said he wasn’t wanted or needed outside of the infirmary when everyone was well and together and _busy_ with the real work, work he couldn’t handle. Work they thought he wouldn’t want to dirty his hands with.

He didn’t fit in, not in this world, and he could never go back to his own, to his family, to his _life_.

Simon stood in the very room that Mal had locked Jayne in when he’d discovered Jayne had betrayed them. One button, one little _push_ and the cargo door would open and Simon’s body would be sucked into the darkness. All the things he couldn’t bare to think of would be gone, and for once, just this once, he could do something for himself and let the rest of the world fend for themselves.

It would be cold, but he’d die before he even started to shiver, he thought vaguely.

It would be terrifying, but only for a few seconds.

Mal and Kaylee and Inara and Zoe would take care of River. Hell, he honestly believed even Jayne would look out for her if Simon was out of the way.

No more worries about the Alliance or the Reavers or doing one little thing wrong and being forced off Serenity, once more without a home, once more pushed aside.

He turned in a slow circle, giving this one little corner of the ship he’d come to think of as home a final look.

Would they miss him? No. They thought of him as a pompus ass, someone to tolerate because he could help them, not someone they liked (except for Kaylee of course, and Simon would never like her the way she wanted him to). Not someone they wanted or cared about.

He wished Book was around, if only to say a few words about him after it was over. Something nice, kind. Last words to remember him by, words that might leave a good impression in everyone’s mind about what he’d wanted, who he’d been.

As long, elegant fingers traced over the control panel, Simon remembered hearing about how Mal had locked Jayne up in this room. He wondered if Jayne had been scared. If he’d said he was sorry, or tried to deny his part in their capture by the Alliance. He wondered what he’d said. Had he begged? Lied? Wished Simon was dead or in a cell, or having his brain cut open like River had?

He’d always wondered about that day, but had never thought to ask.

He was so lost in his own mind, he didn’t even hear the door beside him open.

Long, thick arms suddenly wrapped around him, one anchoring around his waist, the other trailing down his outstretched arm, until a hand rested over his, fingers gently brushing his own away from the button that would send him into the icy darkness of space.

He didn’t startle though. He was too deep in his own head to do that.

Then soft lips were pressing against the skin just below his ear and the arms around him shivered, then held him close. He could feel a broad, solid chest against his back, warm breath on his neck.

“I begged him not to tell anyone what I’d done,” said a soft, ragged voice against his ear. “I didn’t want no one to know, especially not you. I was stupid and greedy and scared and...”

Simon blinked and rested his hand across the arm encircling his waist, fingers rubbing small circles over soft, dark hairs that covered supple, tanned skin, comforting as they always did, as they’d been trained to do, something he didn’t even have to think about.. “Scared of dying in an airlo...”

“No. Before that. When I did what I did. I was scared of how much I wanted you. Thought if you was gone, then....I’d feel right again. Stop wantin’ something I didn’t deserve. Thought they’d fix her, maybe make you pay someone off or somethin’, then let you go back to doctorin’, back to your life.”

Both men stood in perfect silence for nearly a minute before Simon turned around and rested his forehead against Jayne’s.

Eyes closed, they stayed like that for a long while, each in their own thoughts, the slight pressure of skin on skin enough for the moment, enough for them both.

“Wouldn’t have worked though,” Jayne finally continued. “Knew it when they had us and you thanked me, that pretty, sweet mouth of yours telling me you thought I would have had a chance if they hadn’t been armed, those blue eyes all soft and trustin’ as you were thankin’ me for trying to protect you when I’m the one you needed protectin’ from. Knew then that I had to get you out, that I’d done wrong.”

Simon, eyes still closed, didn’t move. He remembered that day all too well. He’d forgiven Jayne though. It was his way. His foolish, naive way, even now, but he didn’t regret it.

“You should go now,” he said after a while. “Pretend you didn’t see me. No one will care, even River would...”

“Only place I’m going is either back to my bunk or out that airlock. Either way, I’m goin’ with you, Doc, whichever place you decide to go to.” He squeezed Simon a little tighter as if to prove his point. “Holdin’ on to you now that I’ve got you. Ain’t lettin’ you go. Just so you know.”

Simon paused, then moved closer, resting his head against Jayne’s chest, the thin orange t-shirt the only barrier between their skin. “I get like this sometimes,” he said as he sank into Jayne. Long arms wrapped around him so tightly he could barely breathe, but that was okay, because it didn’t matter at the moment. “I get scared and worried and tired, so tired, it feels like I can’t get out of bed, can’t move, can’t eat, can’t function...”

“I’ll take care of you, don’t you worry none about that,” Jayne whispered. Then, “How about I promise you right here and now to take care of you when you get like this.....and when you’re not like this too? Like....maybe I take that on as a full time job type of thing.”

A smile touched Simon’s lips for the first time in days. “You’d do that?”

Simon felt the embrace loosen just a little and then a finger curled under his chin. Slowly, his face was lifted and he kept his eyes closed, content to let whatever happened happen. Soft lips sealed over his own, and finally, his arms lifted, wrapping around Jayne’s neck, and suddenly he was clinging to him for dear life. The kiss was slow and deep and when Simon felt the fear Jayne had been holding back, the desperation, the shame, the hot, horrible secret of what he’d done back on Ariel, when he realized he wasn’t the only one who was afraid, he felt himself break down then slowly start to piece together again.

“You’re trying to save me,” Simon said when they broke the kiss and he buried his face against Jayne’s neck. It wasn’t a question.

Jayne shook his head and lifted Simon easily, carrying him safely out of the airlock, and hitting the button to close the door behind them. As they headed back to Jayne’s room, he had a better idea, one Simon liked the sound of.

“How about we try to save each other?”


End file.
